


All the Light We Can’t See

by orphan_account



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Blind Felix, Explicit Language, First Time, M/M, POV First Person, Painter Chan, Physical Disability, Recreational Drug Use, Sexual Content, Strangers to Lovers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-07
Updated: 2020-04-07
Packaged: 2021-03-02 00:41:35
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 15,829
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23526310
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: “I,” this is the moment I humiliate myself, “I like the way your face feels.”And currently I can’t feel my own.“I like the way your face feels too Chris.”Or: Chris befriends the blind boy in the grade below him, but he never expected it to flourish
Relationships: Bang Chan/Lee Felix
Comments: 21
Kudos: 229





	All the Light We Can’t See

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this for another fandom six years ago. I’m new to SKZ so I thought I’d adapt this with my favorite Aussie pairing

He’s always been there. Not at the forefront of a picture but in the background, easy to forget about. He probably wants to fade away but it’s hard and, in a strange way I think I can understand that about him, I think we have that in common. I don’t talk to him; I’ve never said a passing word to him. I keep to my friends and he mostly keeps to himself. From time to time he’ll talk to Jeongin or Seungmin but never anyone else.

Felix — that’s his name — has a lot of special type of classes. Classes for people with disabilities but I don’t really see why he’s there. The other kids that are placed there all have a form of Down syndrome. A disease that makes people slower at learning but Felix isn’t a slow learner, he’s blind.

In junior high I saw him a lot more, in high school though I only catch glimpses of him during lunch in the cafeteria or sometimes in the courtyard when the weather was nice. He’s never in the halls either. It’s not a good idea; it’s always crowded with kids that never consider anyone else trying to get by. And he has to walk with that stick, that long white one with a black rubber ball at the end whatever it’s called, I’m not blind so I wouldn’t really know.

Kids are also cruel. I remember that he’d constantly get tripped and people would ask if he could cry, if blind kids could cry. I don’t want to sound like an inconsiderate jerk but I was curious too. Can they cry? I never stuck around long enough to find out when I saw the principal rounding the corner or a faculty member.

After that it’s like he disappeared. From what I heard through the grapevine he had someone escorting him from room to room.

Sometimes I would think about him, not to sound like a creep or anything. It would happen though. Sometimes when I was sitting in my room painting or down at the art class before first period started. Running the bristles of the paintbrush over the canvas sometimes if it was hazel brown or golden yellow; and other times when I found myself hidden away in Changbin’s basement with a contraband pound of weed and a six pack of Guinness, my train of thought would slowly turn back to him — Felix.

His friend count was pretty low. Like I said he never talked to anyone other than the people I’d get high with from time to time. Stoners weren’t judgmental like the other kids who attended our shit school were. I mean he didn’t ask to be blind. Who would want to? Can I please not see anything? It didn’t make sense.

More often than not he’s alone at a lunch table or alone outside sitting by the water fountain. He’s usually doing something to keep himself busy, or maybe he’s doing something so he doesn’t have to be social.

It was one of those days where Mother Nature just decided to suck. It was freezing cold and every now and again an icy wind would snap through the air and burn my nose or the tips of my ears. I probably looked like Rudolph not twelve steps out my front door.  
My mother made me dress in a scarf my late grandmother had knitted for me three years back when she had been in a nursing home and couldn’t remember my name but could remember how to cross-stitch. It’s not that I didn’t like it, but I couldn’t be bothered to get dressed appropriately, I’ll be in a building all day anyways. I do appreciate the brown beanie though, it kept my ears from turning black and falling off.

We — and by we I mean the people I normally talk to — were all standing in a lopsided circle by the school entrance talking casually. Well they were all talking, I on the other hand wasn’t in the mood to do so. Felix had been on my mind a lot lately and it was starting to irritate me. Not him but my apparent affinity for thinking about him.

Jisung is going on about some UFC fight he had watched. I stopped listening by the time the third word came out of his mouth. I ended up just breaking away, drifting off towards the sidewalk in an odd sort of daze.

I carelessly dropped my bag on the bench across from him. Felix jumps in the air, nearly dropping whatever he was running his fingers over onto the ground. I was tempted to apologize but I figured best to just bite my tongue and move on. I wouldn’t apologize to anyone else so why should he be different?

I took my seat and it remained quiet. I know he knows I’m here. Neither of us do anything about it though. He probably wouldn’t know me if I told him anyways. The only sound is our deliberate breathing and the white plume of oxygen we breathed out every now and again.

“Who’s there?” This time I’m startled. His voice is barely above a whisper but he’s looking in my general direction (he can’t look you idiot) although a pair of sunglasses are hiding his eyes.

“Chris,” I answer back, louder than he had been. I’m not one to stay quiet but I have no reason to be afraid, I guess he does.

“Chris Bang?” Well I guess he does know me.

“Yeah that guy,” I try to lighten the mood but he isn’t laughing.

“What do you want?” His voice is guarded, trying to protect himself, but more than anything he sounded scared. Why he would be is a mystery. I’m not an intimidating person and while I might not be clean cut, rough around the edges, I was a generally nice person. Looking back on it he did have every right to be scared, but not of me specifically.

Maybe it’s my curiosity but I can’t help reach out, brush my fingertips across his left hand. He jerks back, his body shying away from my touch. I didn’t really think that one through.

“What are you doing?” This time my tone is much softer, less imposing. I’m pointing to his book even though he can’t actually see it. I’m around people who can see what I’m doing too much.

“Reading,” Felix sounds like it should be obvious and if he could he’d probably roll his eyes too. Even then though he still sounded like Bambi in the middle of the forest while it was on fire.

“You can read?” I’m so astonished and of course back then I was ignorant about everything.

“No, I’m enjoying the view. Its Braille dumbass,” whatever fear drops for a moment and he sounds annoyed more than anything.

I snort a laugh. He’s always sitting there so quiet and even with Jeongin and Seungmin, never got more than a few word response. It was a miracle to get him to say two words let alone an entire thought out insult. “Okay I’m sorry I mean how do you read?”

Felix is hesitant for a minute. “They’re bumps for different letters in the alphabet. You can run your fingers over them.”

I did just that. I ran my fingers over the textures not understanding what it was saying. I wish I did though it felt different, nice almost. “What exactly are you reading?”  
“As boring as it sounds Lord of the Flies.”

“I read that once. Well I was supposed to in sixth grade but I mostly just skimmed through it and asked everyone else what happened. I don’t know is it good though? I mean from what I know some kid was crushed to death so it can’t be that bad.” I try not to let my fondness for such things show through but he snorts so I’m guessing it did show.

“It’s my favorite book I’ve read. I like survival books. I don’t know what I would do if I were stuck out on an island. I’d probably cry.”

This time I manage to keep from asking him if he could produce tears. Even if he can’t see doesn’t mean he doesn’t know how to throw a punch. I’m not exactly the most empathetic person but I know when to shut my mouth.

I nod even though he can’t see. If I were out in the middle of an island I’d probably find a nice spot away from everyone with me and smoke my feelings away. I could contemplate life. With all that time though I could probably discover the meaning of it or invent the cure to the common cold.  
I like painting though. If anything I could find berries and use the juice to run them across cave walls. Do it like Neanderthals did before we could speak or bathe. I’m so caught up in imaging being stranded I almost don’t hear the question being asked of me.

“Why are you talking to me?”

“Huh? What do you mean?” I understand what he’s asking but it’s like I’m not really acknowledging it.

“We never talk so I mean why are you talking to me?”

“You’re never with other people. Thought you could use some well deserved company. That and I might be a little high.” It’s true, my mind is buzzing like a stick against a drum set. I always made time between getting dressed and brushing my teeth to smoke a blunt. It’s like my breakfast, or my coffee it wakes me up and gets me going. I also find that when I’m under the influence I tend to be able to talk to people I’d normally never talk to. It also helps me get through lessons and not fantasize about tucking and rolling out the second story window and in front of a minivan. It’s also great when I need some courage. Although why I needed to be high to talk to him I don’t know. He’s not some convict he just can’t see.

I run my tongue behind my teeth tasting the smoke still lingering there. He’s considering my answer for a moment but he starts to fidget.

“I like being alone.” He shrugs noncommittally. The white-knit sweater he’s wearing almost falls off his left shoulder. It billows out around his waist like its too big for him. I wonder why he’s sitting out here in the first place. His skin is tinted bright red and icicles could be forming off his nose any minute if they wanted to. Why he subjected himself to sit out here when it got like this I didn’t know. I know he can feel it too. Being blind usually heightens other senses but he’s there like it’s no big deal.

“Well I do too from time to time but being lonely sucks.”

“I hate people,” he’s still squirming like he was uncomfortable with the topic. Yet another thing I don’t think about.

“Yeah people are cunts. You don’t have asthma or anything do you?”

Felix shakes his cane a little, “does it look like that’s my problem?”

“That’s not what I meant. I’m just in dire need of a smoke and I don’t want you asphyxiating on the fumes or something like that.” Normally I’d just light up but I feel like I have to be more cautious with him. I know he’s not a child but he’s as vulnerable as one.

“Oh I don’t care. I have bigger problems to deal with.”

“Bigger than dying?” I raised an eyebrow at that.

“Yeah way bigger,” He chuckles. I’m weirdly proud, I made him laugh even if I didn’t I’m going to take credit for it and pretend like I did.

I pluck a cigarette from my carton, settling it between my lips. I glance at him once more before finally I just throw caution to the wind and lit it. The smoke burns my lungs and I take a long drag off of the filter. It feels nice doing it too. I spend most of my time concentrating on it, until the small little embers burn near the end. I may be on campus but the teacher’s don’t really care, the upside to this shitty school.

When the bell rings Felix gets up without any help. He uses his stick and memory to guide him back to the front door. I liked talking to him – a lot. It was better than talking to any of my friends. Maybe because all they talk about is women and television. Felix is more than that though. Felix is all survival books and black humor and I like it.

You’d think I’d have been satisfied with just that but I’m not, oh lord I’m not. I want to talk to him again. I never tried meth because not even once, but I vaguely wonder if it feels like how I feel after a conversation with Felix. My head is swimming and I can’t wait to do it again.

🦋

That night I’m sitting in my room a blank canvas in front of me. I can’t really think about anything other than him. My thoughts are being consumed and it’s only been one conversation in. This is insane and definitely ridiculous. I’m on a computer chair the wooden stand set up in between my legs.

“Chris?” My mom calls knocking on the door lightly.

“Don’t worry I’m dressed and so is the girl.”

“Oh haha,” She laughs sarcastically, rolling her eyes as she lets herself in. Either this was about my grades in school or she bought me new supplies. She had a tendency to do that. I could be home doing anything and she would come from work telling me about the amazing sale on paint canisters or brushes and she couldn’t pass that up. I appreciated it though, it was thoughtful of her.

I glance over my shoulder succinctly, waiting for her to let on why she had come in, in the first place. Not that I didn’t like when she came in. She’s my mom I love her.

“I just wanted to ask how you were doing.”

“I’m great, just sitting here with…painter’s block.” I have no idea if that was correct but it sounded right to me.

“That’s a bitch,” mom never cared about using language. It was quite refreshing especially compared to Seungmin’s parents. They were so uptight about everything. That would explain why they hate me with my freeform tongue and love of pot.

“Yeah I’m thinking too much and I can’t think about this.”

“What are you thinking about?”

“Nothing…everything, I don’t know it’s like a car wreck.”

“Oh how bad is the wreck this time?”

“If I don’t hurry my inspiration might die on the way to the hospital.” I also love how she’ll take part in my metaphors. Everyone else looks at me like I’m an idiot or I’ve just sprouted another head from my armpit.

She nods her head, hand still resting on the doorknob. I’m still turned in her direction although occasionally I’ll look somewhere else, not that I’m interested in my lampshade. I should paint that actually.

“What’s the main thing you’re thinking about?”

Easy, Felix, but I’m not very well going to say that out loud. It’s embarrassing enough. If I tell her I might as well publish it in the newspaper, or advertise it on a television ad, more people watch television than read anyway. Except for Felix because it’s pointless watching TV. And here I am back to thinking about him. I don’t think my mom would purposely snitch but I’m afraid she’d call up Jisung or Minho’s mom and squeal about how her son is thinking about someone. Although Felix is a guy and as far as I can tell he doesn’t have a vagina. Still I’d rather this be one of those secrets you don’t tell anyone else.

“Uh…school?” Not a lie, Felix is in school.

She looks at me like I have grown a head from my armpit. I even check if I have. That answer isn’t something that would come out of my mouth. At least she runs with it.

“Alright, then paint your school?”

That gave me an idea. Paint my school- Felix I mean. I could do that. I grin so widely my cheeks start hurting. I grab the yellow paint first unscrewing the lid that had chipped paint smudges here and there.

“My little Van Gogh,” I can hear the coo in the tone of her voice. Her eyes sweeping over every painting I had hanging up (two) on my walls examining each of them.

“Actually,” I correct, “Van Gogh painted landscapes and people. I’m more of a Picasso, I capture the abstract.” I explain stating it as fact. She only laughs, rolling her eyes which is her response for nearly everything. She waves me off, still by the doorway.

“If you need anything, I’ll be out in the living room.”

“I’ll be fine,” I promise, dipping a freshly clean paint brush into the can.

She walks away from the door to kiss the crown of my unruly, perfectly disheveled curls. I smile, much softer this time as she leaves me alone in silence. Thinking about Felix it seems so obvious that he’d be my subject. I don’t need his face, I’m pretty good at memorizing faces especially one like Felix’s.

I start out on the wispy locks. Most start with outlining but I like working backwards from fine detail to the bigger picture. I run the small brush carefully over the course material but it’s not the right shade. It’s too dark to be his. I snatch a canary yellow out of my box of assorted things adding that but now it’s too light.

I end up spending forty five minutes on it. When I pull back only half his hair is done. Well fuck this is harder than I thought it would be.  
Never did I imagine what I would get in.

  
🦋

I find myself sitting with Felix at lunch in the courtyard. It’s too cold this time of year, the fountain turned off with tarpaulin covering the intricate stone work until further notice, further notice being around April when spring was actually spring and not still covered in snow.

Last time I didn’t wear gloves, I thought I’d have gone inside but today I came prepared. My fingers are a lot warmer as I sit outside smoking a Camel. It’s been three days since our first encounter and I’m pleasantly surprised by how he’s warming up to me. By warming up I mean he doesn’t sound scared like he knows I’m not going to hurt him anymore.

I had been going between rambling about why I like smoking and smoking while he listened. At least I’m assuming he’s listening, his book is in his bag instead of his lap.

“It could kill you though. You could get cancer.”

“I’ll die eventually. Might as well enjoy life. It’s not that bad, kinda harsh, weed is a lot better though.”

“I wouldn’t know.”

“I plan on changing that,” I smirk at the way his eyebrows pull together. He’s cute the way he thinks I’ve just challenged him to a duel of some kind. Felix looks skeptical, like he doesn’t believe I could do it. I can though, it’s not that hard. I mean Seungmin never smoked and look at the little pothead now.

“I don’t see the appeal.”

“It’s not the act of smoking it’s the effect. When you’re high it feels like every bone in your body has melted away and you’re floating up in the clouds.”

“What about other drugs?” He’s curious now; awesome I figured I could lure him in, to smoke weed though, not to snort coke or something along the lines of that.

“I’ve only done ecstasy and, get this, it feels like you’re performing a metal concert with Jesus. It’s pretty trippy but I wouldn’t recommend it, not to a novice.”

Felix laughs again, pressing the flat of his palm against his stomach through yet another sweater, purple this time, to mitigate the shaking. I like his laugh, it’s so loud and obnoxious but, endearing. It makes my stomach curl worse than my hair in the morning. He tosses his head back and his mouth stretches open so wide just for one action. It only takes a minute for me to join in with him.

I flick my burning cancer stick into a pile of snow nearby, a content smile on my face. This time it’s not because of weed.

“Metal concert with Jesus? That’s the best thing I’ve ever heard.”  
Chris is so glad Felix can’t see how pink his cheeks are.

“Whatever. Hey, I have a hypothetical question for you.”

“Alright shoot,” Felix’s head is lying back against the metal bench, face turned towards mine. I wish I knew if his eyes were trained on me, I wish he knew if his eyes were trained on me. My grin falls but I get rid of the feeling in favor of asking like I planned too.

“This Saturday, could I come over?”

His smile dissipates like mine but for a different reason, “why?”

And the fear is back. It’s only been a week and a half, maybe I asked too much too soon but I can’t help think that I want to ask and I want to hang out with him somewhere that doesn’t involve campus.

“I just like hanging out with you.” I hope I sound sincere. Never have I personally cared about the way I sounded but I care right now. I’m turning into a girl of some kind. I’m tempted to slip my hand in my pants but I keep everything above the belt. Wouldn’t want anyone to think I’m rubbing one out.

Felix tilts his head slightly and his hair falls just so, curling behind his ears. “There’s not much we can do that’ll be particularly fun.”

“I’m sure we can come up with something.” I shrug my shoulders again knowing he can’t pick up on my movement.

His doubtful tight lips curl into another heartwarming, butterfly-generating smile, “okay.”

  
🦋

Friday after school I’m lounging on Changbin’s couch in his basement. His mom is out with his sister visiting their aunt or something, I can’t bring myself to recall what he had told me earlier, his words blanketed in a fog of weed smoke.

The sofa is an awful brown and tan plaid we had picked up from the flea market off the highway last summer, remembering how it almost flew off the truck bed because Jisung forgot to strap it down. It’s shaggy too, I’m hoping it doesn’t attract bugs one day. This is the spot I always lie in when I’m getting high and I’d rather it not get infested with things that could bite me.

Changbin’s strung out on the mismatched red armchair across from me but this is his man cave, his sanctuary. It looks like it was designed by a dude anyways, everything looked horrible together.  
Minho and Jisung are stuck next to each other on the purple loveseat not that either mind with the way they’re tangled together. Seungmin is on the floor by my knee.

“I just don’t get it. Why are you sitting with Felix all of a sudden?” Changbin asks, taking a drag off the blunt before he blows smoke towards the ceiling and leans over the coffee table to hand it to me.

I take the offered paper away from him. “Felix just, I don’t know. Titillates me.”  
Minho says, “that’s a big word for you Chris” the same time Changbin sits up, asks “tits? Where?”  
I flip them both off.

Sangwoo, someone Changbin invited from Chem or some shit, rolls his bloodshot eyes, fingernails scratching at a stubbly cheek. “He titillates you? How? He can’t do anything he’s blind.”

I’m too mellow to get upset by that statement. He’s lucky too I might have very well reached over the glass table and socked him good across the jaw, but instead I take another hit and sneak a third one before passing it to Seungmin.

“I don’t know he’s all existentialist. He’s enlightened,” I snort for no good reason other than the fact that I somehow found that hilarious.

The others seem to accept it as perfectly reasonable though; they’re all as stoned as I am. We all laugh and joke, finishing one blunt and moving onto a pipe. It’s like any other Friday afternoon we spend together, I don’t speak as much like normal and no one says anything.

Jisung pulls out a bottle of malt liquor he swiped from his parent’s cabinet they kept in the cellar. He pops the cork and it’s passed around like the translucent blue pipe had been. I’m not one for drinking but my mind is too hazy to notice, taking a swig from the lip of the bottle.

“This is fucking nasty, I like it.”

I thought we were done with Felix but I guess I had been wrong when Sangwoo brings it up yet again. He’s now drunk as well, his words slurring and his hand doing this weird spiral movement as he gestures out to the air in front of him. He’s so going to feel that one in the morning.

“Felix’s weird yeah? I mean you’ve talked to him.”

“Yeah I have. He’s pretty chill dude. He said he’d try smoking.” At lease when I heard him say he’s never smoked I took it as him saying he would. If I try convincing him hard enough that is.

“Really?” Seungmin’s eyes are wide. Jisung chuckles hard, pushes Seungmin’s jaw up to close his slack mouth.

“Yeah, maybe I’ll uh bring him Monday after school.” I shrug carelessly, picking at the nonexistent lint on my shirt. Although I more end up examining my fingers, stunned. I don’t remember having that finger; I think aloud moving it around like it had been the most amazing stunt I’ve seen.

“Monday my family is going out to a movie so that’ll work.” Changbin grins lightheartedly, his cheeks whiskey-flushed.

“Yeah and don’t worry, I’ll help him.” I add but obviously I would help him, no one else would do it. There’s also the fact that I have to convince him to come but I’m sure I can do it. The Bang charm with a cheeky grin and a wink has never failed before. Then again I’ve only used it on my mom who has to love me in the first place so.

I wonder what Felix would be like stoned. With the glasses he wears I wouldn’t get to see the painfully blissed out face I’m longing to see, but I’ll get to at least witness how he acts in a situation like that. I wonder if he’d look prettier sober. Now I’ve read a few romance novellas (not ashamed) and this is the part where the main character starts freaking out that they found the love interest good looking. I’m not like that at all though, and no wonder they’re fiction. Here in reality it’s something I accept. I’ve always found Felix to be pretty anyways no use denying the truth.

“I’ll be smoking out a blind kid,” Changbin sounds disbelieved.

That’s one thing I don’t like. He’s a normal person. He’s like everyone else except he’s missing one of five senses. Even before I talked to him, when I first saw him in sixth grade I never saw him as different. No one can treat him like a seventeen year old and maybe that’s why he hates everyone. If everyone treated me differently because of a disability I’d hate humanity too. I already do, but I’d actually have a legitimate reason.

Absently, I take another drink from the brown liquor bottle Seungmin had exchanged for the blunt. No one cares that I’ve gone quiet. It’s so normal, almost routine, for me to just sit there and think rather than be extroversive about it. My mind is a safe place and I take comfort in residing there.

Somewhere along the way Changbin sluggishly gets up to open the basement window, a thick blanket of smoke slowly filtering out. I didn’t even realize how bad it had gotten.  
Well at least Felix doesn’t have asthma.

I really need to stop thinking about him.

  
🦋

Finally Saturday came. The first thing I did was look outside to see that the clouds were still as monochromatic as ever but it’s only sixty something degrees out, not too cold.

My day starts off with trudging down the hallway half decent in a pair of boxers. My mom always says something about her maybe having company one day and how embarrassed I’d be if someone caught me in this state of dress. Somehow I don’t think I would care like I don’t now.

The first thing I grab is the box of cereal sitting in the forefront of the pantry. I always kept it there because my balanced meals consisted of wheat squares and ramen noodles and if I can be bothered macaroni and cheese. My mom will cook from time to time but I’m a grown boy so I can do it, or some crap.

After enjoying a bowl of Life I took a swig from the orange juice container, stashing it away like I was almost caught in the middle of murdering a puppy. My mom hates when I drink straight from the carton but the cups are always so far away and I’m too lazy to walk the two feet to the cabinets.

I watch an episode of America’s Next Top Model (they’re good looking it’s not a crime) deciding to just record the season finale before hopping into the shower with a towel placed neatly on the rack and my clothes next to the porcelain white sink. Only when I’m in the middle of washing my hair do I realize that I never told Felix when I would be over.

I finish rinsing the suds out of my hair and off my body, using the white cotton to absorb the water off my skin. I always feel great taking showers, like a new person.

When I check my phone I see that it’s only eleven. That’s late enough for Felix to have woken by now. He doesn’t seem like the type to sleep in anyways. I struggle to get my tight jeans over my still damp legs but I eventually manage to do it, standing there proud of myself for achieving it.

When I do leave I don’t need to know where I’m going to know where Felix lives. He lives a few streets from me and in the span of seven years I’d learned it sometime or another. We also carpooled once to a seventh grade dance which had been awkward and I spent my night leaning against the gym wall languidly sipping from a red plastic cup. I was pretty cool.

It’s a nice house. It’s an off white color, the shingles an ashy black, and the front door painted bright red. There’s a garden in the front, everything is dead around this time anyways. It’s weird to think that Felix has never seen what his house looked like.

I rang the doorbell, taking a step back. I didn’t want to seem like I’m invading the front door and be too close to whoever answers. Only now do I start wondering what we would do. I smoke pot, watch porn, sometimes pointless reality television. Other than that I don’t exactly have a life but I’m sure we could come up with something we’d both agree on.

The door opens and there stands Felix with his cane secured in his palm.

“Chris?” He asks, although I’m positive he knows the answer to that.

“Yeah right here.” I wait until Felix takes a side step to allow me into his home. It’s a lot nicer inside and the furniture matches rather than mine in my small hastily thrown together flat. Mom works an awful lot though so she couldn’t be bothered to decorate much less have it color coordinate.

The door closes behind him and we’re alone.

“Are your parents’ home?”

“My mom’s out shopping with my sisters and my dad’s at work. It took forever to convince her to let me stay alone. She thinks I’ll fall down the stairs or something.”

“Will you?” I tease him and luckily he responds with a smile.

“No, I know where everything in my house is. My mom doesn’t seem to understand this. She thinks I even need an escort to all my classes.” He snorts out a laugh.

I contemplate my options on that one. “Would you be opposed to me showing you around some time?”

He sighs quietly, but nods his head. “No I’d like that. At least you would talk to me like a human being. My cousin shows me around and she talks to me like her dog. I’m not wearing a damn collar last time I checked.”

I grin, an idea forming. “Can I do something?”

“Uh sure?” Felix still doesn’t trust me, which is understandable all things considered. I’ve only just started talking to him approximately two weeks ago and here we are standing in his home with no one else around.

I grab the piece of jewelry removing it from my person. I come right up behind him reaching around to wrap the black thin cord around his neck clasping the hook. I step back watching his reaction. His hand comes up to grab the necklace fingertip running over the silver dog tag pendant that’s typically glued to me.

“What is this?”

“Consider it your collar. If you ever get lost they can call me.”

“It has your number on it?” Felix raises an eyebrow.

“No but I wear it every day. Everyone will recognize it.”  
Felix smiles, doesn’t reach out to find me maybe already knowing where I am. “You wanna go outside.”

“You either have an obsession with the outdoors or an obsession with hypothermia.”

“I like feeling the cold.” It makes more sense to me than anything I’ve heard any of my friends say. It’s not something that was said to make sense but I could feel that it did.

We exit through the open sliding glass door into the bitter cold. Felix takes a seat on a porch swing and slowly I sit next to him as well. Instinctually or legs start to rock it so we’re lazily moving back and forth. Felix leans down to set his cane onto the ground in front of his feet straightening himself back out.

I watch him do it, wind breezing by, the soft metal wind chimes hanging above us clanking together. It’s a small song that plays while we sit there. I don’t know about him but I’m enjoying his company even if I barely got here.

“Can I touch your face?” He blurts out, biting into his lip before he adds, “It helps me see what you look like.”

I don’t answer I only grab his wrists, bringing them up to rest on either side of my jaw. His hands are cold but they feel nice. My breath shortens, my chest tightening for no god damn reason. His palms lingers on my cheeks for a long time before he gets the courage to move them, thumbs running underneath my eyes, touching my nose, feeling my eyelids and eyelashes. He pushes his fingers up to card through my ringlets before sliding them back down and over my lips. He spends a lot of time just petting them like he didn’t want to forget what they felt like. Is it wrong that I don’t just want his hands there but maybe his lips too?

I sit there, letting him explore. Absently I grab a pack of gum from my front pocket unwrapping a piece and pushing it past my lips. “Do you want some gum?”

“No but…do you ever shave? Your cheeks are sharp.”

“I do, but this morning I thought I’d go for that rugged masculine look,” Really I’m just out of razors and the only one in there is my mom’s and who knows where she used that.

“My dad helps me sometimes. I don’t grow hair often though I’m cursed with being a boy,” Felix sarcastically mourns over that. His face looks so smooth I can’t help ask him in return, “can I feel your face?”

He brings his hands back to his lap, nodding. I run my rough and abnormally large palms over his silky smooth jaw line. It’s so. I liked the way it narrowed before squaring out as if at last minute puberty thought they wouldn’t give him a total baby face. His sunglasses are in the way but I don’t dare move them.

It’s around there that I realize that I’m sort of attracted to him. My stomach lurches but it feels good. He’s good looking; he has his flaws of course but nothing that I didn’t already overlook.

“I,” this is the moment I humiliate myself, “I like the way your face feels.”

And currently I can’t feel my own.

“I like the way your face feels too Chris.”

I breathe out a smile.

We end up heading back inside lounging about and stuffing our faces with snacks not giving two thoughts to what they were. They tasted good and that’s what mattered. I felt Felix so maybe it was only natural to wonder what he tasted like.

  
🦋

When Monday comes I’m escorting Felix like I told him I would. I actually like doing it. I convince him to venture the hallway, my hand on the small of his back, urging him to go with the current of students flowing down the winding corridor. He looks absolutely terrified; his mouth unhinged, his fingers that aren’t secured to his stick reaching behind to find some sort of purchase. He ends up finding my hand, and I let him squeeze it so tight I could have very well lost all circulation. I wince but I don’t tell him to loosen it.

People are glancing our way and I make sure to glare at everyone to keep them from getting any ideas. Felix may not have had someone to defend him before but he sure as hell has someone to defend him now. I keep him close, maybe for selfish reasons, his body heat radiating off of him in waves and hugging me tight.

We maneuver our bodies through the masses, keeping together. There’s a few times our feet tangle and I’m positive we’re going to trip but we don’t. Finally we break through the hoard and I can breathe fresh air without smelling fruity shit or man sweat. Felix seems to breathe a sigh of relief too.

“Which locker is yours?” It’s so loud. I have to lean half of my body down, lips brushing against the inner part of his ear to talk. Felix shivers and I like his reaction.

“Uh…number three hundred two.” He manages to spit out.

I like this side of Felix, flustered, breathless Felix that has no idea what to do. If I had found myself attracted before…now it’s like a magnet being drawn to a large strip of metal. There’s something about Felix and I suspect he has his own gravitational pull. I’m tempted to toss an apple at him to see if it starts to orbit around his narrow waist, then again I don’t have an apple and I’m not that curious as to sacrifice my pack of cigarettes in the name of science.

I lead him down until we find the right locker. I take his right hand in my left, settling his palm against the cool ore. He arches it down until he finds the dial to the locker, spinning it.

“How do you do that? I mean the numbers aren’t Braille.” I’m much more sensitive in my word choice.

“Muscle memory I guess. Believe it or not I wasn’t born blind.”

“You weren’t?” I can’t help look at him shocked. I’ve never seen a Felix that could see. Ever since he started coming to middle school he had that cane as a companion and nothing else. I feel guilty from time to time wanting to rewind everything and show Felix that I’m here and that he has someone but I didn’t.

“Don’t sound too surprised there,” He chuckles, doing that weird thing where he can imply he’d roll his eyes if he could. “I lost my sight when I was ten.”

“Oh,” I don’t know what else to say. I’ve never lost my sight I wouldn’t know what I would do if I did. I’d probably have to give up painting to accommodate my new lifestyle and even if I continued I wouldn’t be able to critique it. He’s silent before his hand hits my chest, sliding down until he finds my hand again.

“Why don’t I tell you outside? I don’t like talking about it so openly.”

I nod, watching him grab a book from his locker before slamming it shut. I take this as my queue to tug him up the stairwell to avoid the traffic. My heart’s in my throat by this point. I want to know what happened with Felix and the fact that he trusts me with such intimate knowledge.

Once I push the door open and the wind hits back I sit him down on the bench that has most definitely become our spot. We sit for a long moment and I wait and I wait and I wait. Ten minutes pass and vaguely I realize I’m missing first period. Oh well lessons could wait, but why is Felix?

Felix’s hand gropes along the icy metal mesh finally finding my hand. Our fingers intertwine, and his sunglasses are sliding down his face. Absently I reach over to push them up for him. He flushes, head hanging low, face pointing towards the ground.

“I…I drug you out here to tell you but I can’t,” he chokes on his spit.

“Hey, hey I understand. Tell me whenever you’re comfortable all right?”

Felix snorts, a disbelieved chuckle before shaking his head. His trembling fingers tighten their grip, dropping away completely after. “I don’t get you. No one’s ever understood me, no one ever bothered trying. We just started talking and already you understand me? Most people, normal people — they’d say no if I asked them to go outside. They would hate that I dragged them out here only to chicken out on what I was going to say last minute. You’re different Chris and I still don’t know if that’s good or bad.”

I listen to his speech. I’m known for a short attention span but I hear every word. If no one would pay attention to Felix then I would pay attention to him. He’s like a blank canvas and I just need to fill him in, to add meaning and color to his life. I’m giving him a chance when no one else does. My hand moves from his to cup his incredibly delicate chin. If only our eyes could meet. I think I’ve been watching too many Soap Operas with my mum after school when the only other thing on was People’s court or some variation of said show.

“I’m sorry,” I apologize, my breath ghosting over his face before it disappears into the chilly air, like smoke. I’m so sorry he has no idea. If I can’t turn back time and be there for him in the past, then I sure as hell could move forward and be there for him from now on.

“Why are you sorry?” His voice is just as low, and quiet, his breath fogging over my lower jaw. His head is tilted, eyebrows furrowed together in puzzlement. I’d be confused if I were him. Why would I need to take it upon myself to make him feel like he has someone? I don’t need to but, I want to, I probably shouldn’t but I couldn’t help it.

“I’m sorry. Sorry for letting you go through life alone. I’m here now.” I’m just looking left and right, studying the way his cheeks are blooming red whether it was because of the cold or because I did that, I’ll never know.

I’m close, so, so close I could just- kiss him.

So I do.

It’s not a breathtaking, earth shattering kiss. It’s awkward to say the least. I’ve never kissed a male, my experience too low to make up for my complete lack of allure. Our noses bump together and we’re breathing too heavily on each other for it to be calm. It is single handedly the worst and best kiss in my life.

We stay conjoined by the lips and they’re even softer kissing them then they were running my fingers over them, plush and rose petal yet rough and chapped against mine. I don’t know where to grab, he doesn’t have a chest and judging by how still he is he either doesn’t know what to do or he doesn’t know how to push me off.

“Oh god, please tell me you wanted that,” I’m practically begging, knocking our foreheads against one another. I’m going to have a headache as a result but I’m going to have an aneurism if he hates me or decides I’m not worth talking to anymore. My entire body hurts at the idea.

Felix is silent for a moment. “I can’t believe you kissed me and you haven’t even bought me dinner yet!”

The tension is broken when he grabs a handful of snow and shoves it down the front of my shirt. I cry out in discomfort, shaking my button up out of the fast melting frozen water.

“You asshole I’ll kill you!”

“You wouldn’t kill a guy that’s blind would you?”He looks so smug sitting back.

“No but I’ll kiss a guy that’s blind.”

Felix grins but I wipe it off the minute we kiss again. I win.

  
🦋

It’s been three weeks since we first talked, a week since I’ve kissed him, and six days since we’ve become an item. The idea of calling him my boyfriend sets my insides on fire. I asked him of course and he made me get down on one knee to do it. I felt like an idiot but I’d do anything for him. I’m pathetic.

The temperature finally started to warm up, the snow melting and absorbing into the ground. When I got up today I noticed that the streets and grass were soaked but there wasn’t a pile or mound located anywhere. It took long enough.

The one day it’s warm though is the one day Felix doesn’t want to go outside, typical. I’m over again and his parents are starting to think something is going on. They still leave us alone though which is always nice. I’ve integrated him into my life quite nicely: texting him, talking to him, seeing him.

Felix is all I think about and my mom’s begun to pick up on it, accusing me of catching the love bug or something. I wouldn’t exactly call what we have love. It’s too soon to define it yet when it only just became tangible. Either way I’m pulled up the staircase to the landing on the second floor.

The second floor consists of a long hallway with six doors, three bedrooms, a bathroom, and a two storage closets that they use for towels and clean sheets. I teased him wondering if he needed to change them often, what I meant was he wet the bed but he took it in a totally different direction. I laugh but I blush and of course I don’t let on that I am. That’s something a full grown man does not admit.

I like his room even more. It’s a light shade of calming blue, a few posters of anime and Twice plastered over the walls crookedly. The bed pushed against the large open window is queen-sized, the duvet a dark, silky shade of red with matching sheets and pillowcases. It’s really clean and smells of lavender and laundry detergent. There are a lot of things that have textures and patterns to touch and, hanging from each corner of the ceiling, are wind chimes to hear.

“My mom cleans my room a lot.” Felix admits sheepishly, striding over to the four poster mattress.

“Don’t worry about it. So um…how did you decorate your room?”  
Felix doesn’t seem offended by my questions anymore, only accepts them. He does ask for kisses in return though which I have zero problems complying with. He rests his cane in the corner between the wall and his headboard.

“I like anime. And music. I told my mom what things I like and she got posters. I might not be able to see them but I know they’re there and sometimes I like to run my fingers over them when I’m just walking around. I'm afraid they're getting wrinkled though." He outstretches his arm, barely brushing his fingertips over one of the blown up laminated signs, My Hero Academia.

“No they look pretty good to me. If you want though I’ll buy you news ones once they wear out.” I find myself promising a lot of things lately. I lie down, my back hitting the soft fluffy comforter. Felix notices my position, slowly leaning back until he’s lying next to me.

The silence is as nice as talking to him is. It lets me get back to my thoughts, my mind circling figure eights through the clutter in my brain.

“…Chris?” Felix whispers. Both of us turn our heads to look at each other at the same time.

“Yeah?” I asked.

He reaches out, hands shaking with small tremors as they come to rest on either side of my cheek. He asks to touch my face again and I give him permission. He starts on my cheeks and works up to my hair before sliding back down to my lips matching the same path he had traced last time.

Unlike last time his palms are warm. Why he likes my face I don’t know. There’s stubble everywhere from forgetting to shave and there are small dimples marring my flesh every now and then. There’s nothing attractive about me but he seems to enjoy exploring so I don’t fight it.

Felix stops moving. My eyes flutter open only to see how red he is.

“Chris can…can I touch your chest?”

My breath hitches at the request but I find myself nodding my head. Looking at him he's serious about it too. His lips are taut, set in a thin lipped smile. He's shaking — he's scared, he thinks I'm going to get upset at his innocent, well not so innocent, question.

Absently I run my tongue over my chapped lips. "Yeah of course, just let me take my shirt off." I grip the hem of my black T-shirt that was a little worse for wear, tossing it to the side. Loosely clasping his wrists I navigate them to my bare shoulders, heart hammering against my rib cage.

Felix sits up to reposition himself, thumbs dipping into my collar to trace the lightly protruding bones there. When he gets just below he feels a bumpy rigidness.

"What's that?" He asks, brushing over the inked black lines that all connected to form two swallows on opposite sides of my chest. He likes it the way he continuously moves his fingers over them. I had them done a few months ago liking the design and symbolism of freedom they carried on the weight of their in-flight wings.

"A tattoo, two swallows. Dunno, seemed like a great idea at the time.”

Felix nods, hands skating down my feverish flesh. Every fantasy I've ever had is thrown out the window in favor of having this beautiful boy doing these things to me. I'd rather give up those few awkward encounters of sex for Felix just massaging my chest like he is now.

He moves on until he's lower, thumbs tenderly running over my nipples. We flush at the same time. He can feel how hard they are. As degrading as it sounds I think I finally understand what girls mean when they say they could cut through glass.

"This is turning you on, isn't it?" Felix whispers cheeks still tinged pink.

"Nah there's just a draft." I respond flippantly, like the button on my jeans isn't going to pop and gauge someone's eye out.

"No it's okay if you are." His tone is so serious I'm not sure if we're discussing my nipples or him getting accepted into college (or whatever is important to people nowadays).

My eyes flutter shut as he runs the length of my torso petting at the brown tufts of hair going from my navel down and around my genitals. If he goes any lower he'll get to the waistband of both my jeans and my underwear.

His thumb grazes over yet another tattoo scrawled across my jutting hip bone.

"Is this a tattoo as well?" Felix doesn't seem to care out mind. In fact I'd say his smile got wider.

"Yeah it says 'why not.'"

"Why not?" He snorts, laughing his adorably obnoxious laugh but I'm pouting for the simple fact that it's directed at me. "Why not what? Do you even know?"

"Yeah I know I was there when the guy did it."

"That's not what I meant! I meant its tattooed right above your dick you know how that looks? It's like a girl getting her lower back inked and her tongue pierced all in one night."

I laugh myself lightly shoving his shoulder, “it’s nothing like that you loser.”

Felix grins widely, showing off his perfect pearly white teeth. He showed me pictures when he had braces and I wish I had gotten to see them. He told me they hurt and I wouldn’t mind running my tongue over them to sooth them. I thought he was going to explode when I told him that.

“Whatever my boyfriend has tattoos, I like it, a lot.” Felix whispers, sounding embarrassed to even be saying it but I love the way his blush spreads from the nape of his neck up to the tips of his ears.

“Yeah I’m kind of a badass.”

He snorts doing that If-I-could-roll-my eyes thing he does. He’ll curl his lip up and let out this sarcastic grunt which is replacing the eye roll. All of his little quirks and habits I’ve picked up on the past few weeks is a little creepy but of course I don’t tell him any of this.

I just card my fingers through his hair that’s in serious need of a dye, moving the elongated bangs away from his forehead. I can’t believe it took me so long to realize how special he was. I plan on making that up though. I move my hand around to pull at the locks curling behind his ears. He needs a cut too but I like this shaggy look on him. If only he could grow some facial hair.

“You’re still hard.”

“Which part of me?” I hum. Somewhere along the way of admiring his beauty and him messing with the black lines and curves permanently etched into my skin I tented the front of my skinny jeans. Felix splutters like he just noticed it for the first time but by the throbbing I’m sure it’s been a good few minutes like that.

Felix swallows, his Adam’s apple bobbing convulsively. Curiously he touches it and fuck I haven’t had someone else’s hand there since Changbin’s house party three months ago and I was so wasted I wasn’t sure if it was a feminine looking dude or a manly looking chick. I’m just glad they left before I woke up and saw the lack of judgment I made.

He pulls away like I poured lighter fluid on him. Understandable, he’s never been below anyone’s belt, although he’s tugging nervously at mine.

“Lix, what are you doing?”

“Can…can I touch you?”

I groan nodding, cursing at myself immediately afterwards. “Only if you’re comfortable doing it and all that. I don’t want you to like resent me.”

“Just…I don’t know if I’ll be any good.”

I roll my eyes, not bothering to correct myself by speaking about it. “No one is good their first time. I don’t care how much porn I watched it’s not the same as watching then actually doing it. Only if you want this I mean.”

Felix unclasps my belt, leaving the flaps to hang aimlessly on the lower half of my body. I don’t ask again, popping the button and tugging the zipper down until I’m open and there’s some breathing room down there. Like opening your belt after a thanksgiving meal.

I guide his hand to the opening, dipping his fingers into the elastic of my briefs. “You can back out you know.”

“Why do you keep asking? Do you want me to back out?”

“You’re about to touch my dick not something a guy just backs out of.”

“You keep asking me.”

“I just care about you is all. I’d do anything in the world to avoid hurting you.”

Felix shakes his head, deftly moving his fingers to pull down both my trousers and underwear leaving me exposed to the lukewarm temperature. Hissing, I lie flat on my back angling my neck so I can stare at him. I want to see him do this.

He grabs the base of me but too light for me to have a proper reaction. Felix worries his perfect bottom lip between his teeth. “I wish I could see what you looked like.”

I hated how down on himself he sounded. He’s always doing that, everyone’s always doing that. “Trust me you’re not missing much, dick’s are fucking ugly anyways.”

He chuckles through a voice full of bottled emotions and unshed tears. Felix’s tongue darts out, soft pink and small licking at my head right over the opening of the slit dead on, his hand a little more forceful on me, well fuck.

There’s not time wasted as I receive the sloppiest blow job I have ever had but it’s quite possibly the best, probably because it’s him doing it, his tongue hesitantly licking stripes up the underside, flat and wet against me. His hand is a little rough and he squeezes too hard so I have to tell him to ease up and he does the perfect amount.

I love having to teach him, is that weird? I like telling him how to do it. Flick your tongue like that, oh not to hard, massaging my balls helps, move your hand up and down…no no not like — yeah just like that. And there are slips of the tongue in there consisting of his name and profanities that aren’t appropriate to repeat any other time but now.

He likes it though. He seems to light up, gaining more confidence. His hands are braced on either side of my hips sunglasses almost falling off the bridge of his nose. I wonder why he always has them on. I want to see his pretty face every now and again in its entirety.

His lips are wrapped around my feverish flesh, sucking harshly until his cheeks are concave. The familiar build up in the pit of my stomach attacks me all at once in a wave.

“Fuck Felix I’m about to come.”

Felix keeps at it, licking and sucking. Yeah he’s never given one of these before (insert lip curl and sarcastic grunt). My fingers are tearing up his bed sheets I swear, I hope his parents have a back up or a warranty for these. The rubber band snaps and I’m coming. My chest heaves at the lack of oxygen and he swallows it all.

His nose scrunches slightly but he doesn’t spit any out.

“You didn’t have to do that.”

“Why not,” he mocks before his tone grows serious, “if I can’t see you I want to at least taste you.”

I guess this is the part about every cliché teen romance novella that you tell that person something so undeniably cheesy you’d never live it down if you weren’t caught in the moment. I say it not to be romantic though, I only say it because I care. I care deeply.

It’s silent for a several seconds other than the harsh pants on my end. I sit up tapping my fingertip against his chest right where his heart would be. I feel it beating against mine and I wonder if it’s beating just for me (other than to keep him alive I mean). I know mine is beating just for him.

“You don’t need to see as long as you feel it in here. You’d be surprised by how much vision a blind boy could have.”

His hands shoot out latching onto my face. I have not a clue what he’s doing but when I see him blindly leaning forward I realize it’s to find where I am. His lips brush mine and this one means more than the others did. Not that the others weren’t special but this one was different. I’m not just attracted or care. It runs deeper than that now. It’s so in depth I can’t possibly describe it. I wouldn’t call it love but it hurts just like love does.

When I get him off its more gentle, his first time doesn’t need to be some quick jerk in his bed. He’s always felt like he has nothing to offer but he has everything to offer to me.

I lick every inch of him, I twist my wrist, I suck and nip, I gave my best. Just looking at him now, the way he’s shuffling and squirming. Rose petal lips parted into an o, sunglasses sunk back against his face, hair messy and sticking up from all of his movement. I take everything he has to offer me and I give it right back.

There’s so much I want to say to him. I want to call him beautiful, tell him how much his entire damn existence means to me, how he’s normal and being blind is not a disadvantage, that I fucking really, really, something close to love, care about him. I hope he feels that in the kiss I give him instead.

  
🦋

“Why didn’t you tell me you painted?”

Felix whines while we lay back in the grass in his backyard. It’s surprisingly warm for February but we’re not going to complain. The sun feels amazing. I was describing what every cloud looked like to him when somehow the fact that I have a hobby in painting managed to glissade into the conversation.

“It didn’t seem important. It’s just a thing I sometimes do.”

“Sometimes do?” He asks an eyebrow rising away from the frame of his sunglasses, “You just said you’ve won first place at a couple art shows before.”

“Three out of like three thousand, it’s nothing impressive.”

“It’s impressive to me.” He leans in planting a chaste kiss to my lips. He doesn’t even need to fumble with my face anymore he just knows where my mouth is. We’ve been spending so much time together. I fit the spaces of my fingers between his watching them intertwine between us.

Honestly though I don’t do a lot of shows. It’s just something that came about one day. Life here isn’t the most fulfilled and sometimes you need things to do. My mom had a small art kit in her office when a co-worker’s kid left it over after she decided to babysit. I never gave it back; it was cheap anyways.

From there it splintered off into this thing that I did every now and then. It’s been that way for six years. Jisung was the one who entered me into my first competition, a school art show without asking me for permission. I was so dumbfounded when they called my name for a second place ribbon.

“I’m glad you like it then.”

I use my other hand to squeeze his upper thigh in adoration. The things I would do for this boy.  
Do you ever blurt out something without thinking? I do it all the time but I really wasn’t even thinking about it, “I want to learn Braille.”

Felix’s body goes rigid, his hand tightening in mine. Did I cross a line in asking? “Oh I hope I didn’t offend. It’s just you’re always reading when I find you in the mornings and I don’t understand it and it’s something that I wanted to learn but if you don’t want to-“

He cuts me off with a kiss. Maybe he’s trembling too much but he gets my nose instead. It’s close enough. I can feel his warm breath on my face looking at my reflection in his glasses. “No! No I’m not offended but no one’s ever wanted to learn Braille. My parents don’t even bother but…why do you?”

Why did I? I love you damn it. That sounds too harsh though and I’ve already been cheesy enough. I think he likes it though, when I’m romantic and talking to him in a way of pure adoration. I won’t do it though I am a man and I still have my man card.

“It’s just something we’d have in common. I’d also like to understand what the hell you’re reading.” I throw in a laugh for added effect.

Felix’s lips curve into a smile resting his sun warmed cheek against my chest. “Thank you.”  
The whisper is so soft and beautiful I can’t resist. “Don’t thank me. I should thank you for letting me in. I want to learn because I want to do something no one else has attempted. I want to understand.”

I feel tears hitting the fabric of my shirt, and I vaguely register he’s crying but I can’t see him. He’s not acknowledging it but he knows I can feel the wet patch. I felt so stupid earlier for questioning whether a blind person could cry, of course they can. Not everyone can see but everyone can feel overwhelming emotions. Whether people want to see it or not are up to them but deep down we’re all the same soul searching for acceptance.

The rest of my afternoon is spent on his couch with him curled up into my side, a book residing in my lap. There are six dots, two columns of three. The left sided dots are much larger. “That’s an L?” I asked wondering how the hell that worked.

"Yeah that's an L," Felix tilts his head towards me at the sound of my voice. We move onto the next letter which is a lot more complicated but it turns out to be an O.

"What are we spelling out?" I'm too curious to wait and find out but I move to the next letter nonetheless. I need to memorize this after all.

"Lord of the Flies, I'm almost done with it. They're all going fucking mental though and the only smart kid is being shunned for being overweight." Felix shakes his head in disbelief. It's cute how seriously he takes books.

I hum quietly figuring the next set of six dots represented an R, and it did. Carefully he navigates my hand him holding mine instead of the other way around. I glance at him for a moment, taking in his beauty before wordlessly going back to the page in front of me.

It's the first time he's ever had to guide me rather than me guiding him. Maybe he's not the only blind one, maybe people are blinder than Felix.

  
🦋

I know I haven't painted in awhile when I see the large gathering of dust that's settled on my easel. I hadn't meant to forget about it but Felix takes so much of my time nowadays how can I not? I don't mind that he does or anything but it's time I get back into the swing of things.

When I bring it out of the corner it'd been stuck in I look at the canvas still sitting there. The one of Felix I started. I'm looking at the hair that I've painted but his roots are much darker than that and the tips are way lighter than the rest.

So in the absence of time I kill about three hours. I've moved on to a soft pale peach stroking the brush down into thin curved lines to form his jaw. It's coming out beautifully but anything to do with him looks nice.

There's a knock and granted I'm expecting my mum to come in but instead it's Changbin. He sits on the edge of my bed, looking deep in whatever tight cloud he's lost himself in.

"So any reason you've come over unannounced?" My eyebrow rises instinctually brushing the bristles in a downward technique.

He's cradling his chin in one hand, elbow resting just above his knee. He could be high or he's trying to phrase his words. "Hey...Chris, I have a question."

"Fire away." I respond absently.

"It's about Felix. You've been hanging out with him a lot lately. Like all the time. What's up with that?"

I consider my options and which would have fewer repercussions. I could tell him the inherently honest truth or I could lie and say I've been spending time with my mom learning the pros and cons of feminism. "I'm dating him."

Changbin’s silent for a long time. "Look you're my friend and I don't want anyone to get hurt."  
"Changbin I'm not going to hurt Felix." I'm almost offended by the accusation but it's only Changbin saying it and I trust his judgment, I just hope he trusts mine.

"I'm not worried about you hurting Felix; I'm worried about him hurting you." He finishes his statement by fishing a cigarette out of his jacket pocket lighting it up in the middle of my bedroom. The look on my face must be priceless; I sputter, concentration finally broken off of trying to get the smoothness of Felix’s face to come across in two dimensions. The amount of shock I'm feeling is unbelievable. Why would I need protecting? I ask as much.

"Why would I need protection from someone as harmless as Felix? He's too shy and nice to do anything cruel." I'm quick to defend my lover, eyes narrowed like an animal when their safety is challenged.

“It’s not that he’ll hurt you,” Changbin sighs in exasperation, “not on purpose. Felix is good at shutting people out; he doesn’t exactly have much going for him in the trust department. People are cruel Chris and just because you’re nice doesn’t mean everyone else is.”

“So you came here to warn me about my boyfriend?” The disbelief is dripping in my voice.

He rubs one large palm down his face. “I don’t want either of you to get hurt okay?”

“Felix was hurting long before I came in. He was so alone but I changed that. I think I’ve made him feel less lonely and while I can’t be entirely selfish and say I’m the main reason his attitude shifted and he’s not so quiet, I know I’ve helped a hell of a lot. He can talk to other people, he’s not so insecure about everything either so if me having an effect on him is changing him for the better than I’ll take the blame.” I’m not one for long winded speeches nor am I good at them but everything is so much easier when you speak with your heart rather than with your mind.

Changbin stands up, searching through his back pocket when he produced a crumpled gold sheet. I briefly look at him taking the sheet from him. “What’s this?”

“It’s an art show happening in a few weeks. People from all over the country are welcome to compete. First price is a good amount of money and your artwork hung up in the Legion of Honor.”

My jaw drops at that. There’s no way. The Legion of Honor is California’s top art gallery; it’s every artist’s wet dream.

I smooth out the paper over the dried part of my canvas reading over the small font. He’s not lying, it’s advertised right there. The LoH would be quite the experience. If I made it in I could get a full ride to any University of my choosing. It’s all wishful thinking though, there’s no way I would win.

“Besides Felix I thought I’d show you that. Speaking of which what are you painting, Felix?” He’s teasing me. My face flushes red and I lean my body forward protectively, wrapping my arms around it to keep him from peeking.

“Oh my god you’re painting Felix! You have it bad.”

“You hear that? That’s the sound my dignity being murdered.”

Changbin chuckles, rolling his eyes at me, its weird seeing people actually roll their eyes instead of the implied eye roll I’ve grown so accustom to.

“Seungmin’s convinced you’re going to bring Felix over to get him high.”

“I think I could get him to come actually.” I may not smoke as much as I use to but I still want to see what Felix is like when he’s stoned. I can only imagine and from what I am, it’s pretty hilarious yet endearing.

Changbin narrows his eyes, “don’t bring him! What if it kills him or something?”

“He’s blind he doesn’t have asthma.” I quote him much too often. Changbin laughs but he agrees saying his goodbye before drifting off.

I’m not sure I could actually get him to come but I’m pleasantly surprised when I bring up the idea the next reading session we have and he goes along with it. I’ve learned the Braille alphabet but the hard part is putting them into words and stringing them into coherent sentences.

Felix is patient though and I admire that because I’m not the best in that department. I can get pushy when I really want something but I’ve tried controlling that lately. We haven’t messed around since that say in his bedroom and I’m not about to pressure him into doing it again. I’d rather him come to me when he’s good and ready to repeat our actions.

Anyways he’s curled into me like usual but we’ve found ourselves outside again when the cold weather doesn’t stay away for long. I brought a blanket with me to wrap around the both of us, body heat being exchanged in the comfortable space inside the warm fleece. His head is on my shoulder his hand holding two of my fingers to guide me again.

“R-A-L-P-H, oh Ralph, yeah?” I ask for approval.

Felix gently pushes my hand away in favor of brushing his fingertips over the textured bumps. “You got it! See it’s not too hard just a little practice goes a long way.”

My heart swells at the pride in his voice. I cuddle him farther into my body. We’ve been doing these sessions once a week on Sundays, the most convenient times. After he comes back from mass and I come back from a sermon we’re free and left alone to our own devices.

Absently I can see Felix messing with my necklace. I have yet to treat him like a dog like I joked about the first day I gave it to him. In all honesty I just wanted him to wear it and he hasn’t taken it off. Well he says he does for showers because he doesn’t want it to rust or something. I tried telling him aluminum is not the same as metal but he’s being careful.

“So I’m going to Changbin’s tonight and there’s going to be pot but I was wondering if you wanted to go? I want you to hang out with Him and get to know the other guys better. You don’t have to smoke or anything.” I hadn’t meant to invite him in fear that he would get mad. There’s no reason why he would get mad but I’m a bit paranoid when it comes to those sorts of things.

He kisses my shoulder laying his frozen red cheek back against the bone. “I want to. Smoke I mean, and meet your friends.”

If I had been eating anything I would have choked to death. If only he could see my expression but he probably gets the gist when I jerk back slightly. “Wait what? I didn’t think you’d actually want to come.”

“I won’t come if you don’t want me to,” Felix whispers, tracing his finger across the page and onto my forearm.

“I want you to come trust me I really do! I just didn’t think you’d be comfortable with the whole smoking thing.” My lips brush the side of his face his ear right next to it.

Felix shrugs with the shoulder that isn’t pressed against me. “I’m willing to try anything once.”

I solemnly nod still not processing this. Felix the boy who’s always in his shell wants to come and be a part of a social gathering involving drugs. If he really wants to join me then I’ll let him but I’m still confused.

“Why though?”

His face flushes. “You’re doing all of these things for me I thought I’d do something for you.”

“You don’t have to.”

And yet here we are later that day.

I know I said I couldn’t imagine what Felix would look like high but after we finished up reading for the day and got a lift from Minho back to Changbin’s place (basement) I finally did get to see it.

His body is resting on mine, giggling at everything and nothing. His nose is scrunched up, sunglasses lopsided on his face. Every now and then he lifts his hands above his head to see if they’re still there. I didn’t smoke as much, I wanted to make sure he stayed safe and being high wouldn’t help that.

Changbin’s’ telling yet another story whilst I’m lying back on the couch, Felix’s back pressed against my chest, my arms wrapped around his waist and laced fingers settled on his stomach. I’ve never been more comfortable honestly.

“So Felix how are ya feeling?” Jisung grins, face flushing when he speaks, leaning over Minho but keeping his eyes trained on us.

Felix is bopping his head back and forth, not bothering to turn his head in Jisung’s general direction. “I’m great! I’m always great, today is great. Everything is great.”

I snort lightly rolling my eyes. I’m glad it’s made him mellow rather than energetic. Having a blind boy jumping all over the place doesn’t sound like a way I’d want to spend a Sunday evening. It took ten minutes for it to fully affect him, but the way the muscles in his jaw went slack and how his body deflated into mine I knew he was stoned.

He stretches his limbs a yawn morphing into another giggling fit. He’s so cute.

At some point we hear Changbin’s mom call down from the top of the stairs that they had pizza. Seungmin, who was the quietest, got up the fastest stumbling over his feet before he scrambled up like he was offered water after being stranded in the desert for a month.

Minho rolls his eyes mumbling some incoherent insult under his breath. Every time he smoked I swear someone snuck a bitch pill in to make it that much worse. Either way Jisung trails behind him but not without taking a swig of his Heineken bottle.  
That just left the two of us.

“Do you want pizza?” I question, but he only shakes his head fumbling to turn around in my arms. It takes a great deal of effort on his part but he manages to do it our abdomens now pressed against one another. My hands shifting from his stomach, to his side, and finally to the small of his back right above the beautiful curve of his ass.

“I’m not in the mood for food.”

I’ll admit I’m a bit famished but I’d rather cuddle with him than get up anyways. It’s too comfortable and warm. Like in a bed when your alarm goes off for school, it’s nearly impossible to get up and you dread when you actually have to before you’re late. At least I’m not on a time restraint now.  
“That’s okay you know? I’m glad you look like you’re having fun.”

Felix laughs, cheeks dusted a rosy shade of pink and if it weren’t for the odd angle his head is cocked at I would have thought he was sober. “You’re having fun.”

Drugs have different effects on people and unfortunately for me I get turned on like a light switch even if I’ve only had a hit or two. Alcohol has the same effect. The fact that I’m hard and I’m tenting painfully in my skinny jeans is no surprise to me but the fact that Felix is hard and I can feel it on my thigh does.

Felix kisses me but it’s a bit too heated for someone like him to initiate.

“Can I make you feel good?”

“Yeah go ahead.”

His hands rake down the length of my torso resting back on my belt like before. He pushes my clothing down until it’s pulled around my knees but he does it to himself too. We’re both too impatient for clothes if the way he’s leaking all over my stomach has anything to say about it.  
In one fantastic move he rolls his hips down our throbbing dicks rubbing together. “Shit,” The word comes slipping out when our hot flesh makes contact. I ask him to do it again and this time Felix is in charge of how this goes and what we do, yet I don’t mind relinquishing control to him if only for tonight.

Felix’s mouth smacks against mine, our lips moving furiously together to create some sort of offbeat dance with one another, his lips soft mine rough, his jaw smooth mine stubbly. The contrast is perfect as I cradle his face with both of my abnormally large, calloused palms.

We fit our hands between us getting each other off in a quick, messy hand job. We just lay together panting and cuddling his cheek pressed against my abdomen, my two swallow tattoos sticky from when he had came. I only trace along his spine closing my eyes.

At some point I did force myself up cleaning both of our sweaty bodies collapsing back onto the couch. This is something I could get used to, being with Felix like this. I think I love the kissing and cuddling more though and by the way he nuzzles into me I think he feels the same way.

  
🦋

Everything had been going great the past month and a half. After getting high that one time in Changbin’s basement all the guys got to know Felix as Felix and not that blind boy in the year below. They genuinely got along and not long ago my mom and Felix met each other.

We sat down for dinner and once the formalities were set aside they were able to get to know one another. My mom didn’t acknowledge that he was blind and she was able to ask questions that weren’t offensive unlike me when I first met him. Somewhere down the road she turns to me, “Chris why don’t you show Felix some of your paintings?”

I tense up but look at her, “he can’t exactly see them.”

“I’ve worked with blind patients Chris, they can usually feel the brush strokes,” I forget she’s a nurse from time to time. I shot her another look. I really don’t feel comfortable doing so. It’s not that my paintings were bad but they were mine and I may have two hung up but other than that she’s the only one who really saw them. The guys never come over here we have Changbin’s home for that.

“No I don’t want to.”

I didn’t mean to sound so clipped but dinner’s relatively quiet after that other than the scraping of forks against plates. The muscles in Felix’s back are tense the rest of the time. There’s the awkward goodbye and I escort Felix outside. “Alright let me give you a ride.”

“I can walk,” Felix regards me.

“You can’t walk.”

“I have a fucking cane, not a wheelchair dumbass,” he hadn’t insulted me since our first conversation.

“Have I done something wrong?” I really hope I didn’t, I can’t think of anything I did do. I pulled his chair out for him, I served him, and I brought him home and introduced him as my boyfriend. I thought I did everything right.

Felix laughs humorlessly rolling his eyes in irritation. “Nothing there’s nothing wrong.”  
“There’s something wrong,” I catch his wrist before he can even think to walk away. Its pitch black and there’s no way I’m letting him walk along the highway when he’s pissed off at me. Neither makes a good combination. He pulls at his arm but I tighten my grip.

“Chris let go!”

“Just tell me what I did? Is this about my paintings?” He didn’t seem so happy after that.  
He deflates at that shaking his head. “Why won’t you let me see them? I’ve let you in. I don’t let anyone in and when I think I’ve gotten close to the real Chris, past al of the drugs and bullshit, I thought I found him but you shut me down!”

Is that what he thought? I sigh worrying my bottom lip between my teeth. Painting is my secret and we have that in common. I don’t just let anyone in. People see the Chris that does drugs and is casually cool without trying to be but underneath most of that I am a different person, I’m not as rough around the edges.

“Why won’t you take off your glasses? I thought I proved myself but those things never leave your face. Whenever I ask you about being blind you don’t talk about it like it’s not obvious. You’ve shut me out just as much here.” I gesture between us despite it being a silent one.  
He turns his head to the side lips pursed in a thin tight line. I had him there and we both know I did.

“Glaucoma.”

“Bless you?” It slips out without me thinking about it.

Felix chuckles much more genuine than the last one. “I was ten years old. It wasn’t a freak accident like you hear in movies it wasn’t anything cool. It’s just that the type that I have, open-angle glaucoma, there isn’t any symptoms. We didn’t know what was happening and by the time my vision started deteriorating it had advanced too far. Both my eyes were filled with fluid and even after draining it, it got worse. It got to the point that everything was blurry until I just couldn’t see period. It wasn’t something that I could control and I wish I could go back but I’m stuck like this.” Felix sounds miserable turning his back to me as best as he can. I keep quiet in case he still has more to get off his chest.

“I think what was worse is the way my parents looked at me. The medical bills, the eye drops, medicine, everything was and is still so costly. I may be blind but I know they’re looking at me, I can feel it. Can you ever just feel someone’s eyes on you? I know they’re glaring, I know they regret spending so much on treatment because it didn’t work.” He sounds so absolutely miserable.

Finally I move forward pulling his chest into me arms wrapping around his body while my chin settled on his shoulder. The silence is deafening.

“You know even before all of it happened they always looked at me. They always glared at me. I don’t know why maybe because I’m not my older sister. Rachel got straight A’s, she’s made captain of the footie team, student body president, and what did I do? I went blind.” He chokes up on the last sentence tears spilling down his flushed cheeks. I could see the way his chest tightened and how tight his jaw was set to the point that it must have hurt.

“I don’t take these sunglasses off because they’re my last barrier. They’re the last thing I have to defend myself and without them I feel vulnerable, I feel ugly.” He sobs, his chest starting to heave with every pain filled word. I decide now would be good to talk.

“Don’t say that. You have a disability there’s no getting around that, you’re vulnerable that’s obvious, but don’t call yourself ugly. You are the most beautiful human being and you see more than any other person I know can. At the end of the day Felix you need to stop believing all of this bullshit. You’re not challenged, you’re not a menace to society; you’re blind.”

I hold him as tight as I can lips lingering against the juncture where his neck and shoulder met. I could feel him trembling against me breaking down in front of me. I can see whatever barrier he had crumble around him.

“I see a completely different Felix than what I saw a month and a half ago. You have friends, you’re loud, you let go. You’ve changed whether you can see it and you’re telling me about your past. You never would have done that before.”

Felix’s head falls back on my shoulder his dyed blonde hair splaying out. He’s still crying and whimpering but he’s managed to calm down considerably while I traced random patterns into his arm through the sleeve of a blue-knit sweater. It’s cold but it’s the way he likes it and I can understand him now. I can understand what he meant when he said he liked feeling the cold. It’s better to be numb than to feel nothing at all.

I pepper the side of his face with swift kisses. I’m not one for affection but he’s my weakness. He’s mine. “Felix I like you a lot.” I’m definitely not ready to admit that I might almost be in love but it’ll happen soon I can just tell. For now I’m comfortable with him being my forever.

“There’s an art show next week. Would you like to come?”  
Its a few minutes before he answers, still visibly shaken, “only if you want me to.”

“I don’t want anyone else there,” and it’s the most honest thing I have ever said.

  
🦋

It’s weird being inside the Legion of Honor. It’s not a place you expect to find yourself in, or your artwork. I didn’t win the competition. It had been massive at least three hundred kids entered. First place went to some girl about three years younger who painted a mural at her school and I’ll admit it was pretty clever but her piece couldn’t fit in considering it was on the side of a school building.

I ended up here by default. She got the scholarship but considering I had placed second which is amazing since it was my first competition that wasn’t local. The ribbons were handed out. I had a red one and a decent sized trophy to match. Felix was here too.

Its right after everything had been announced and they didn’t take long to hang it up. It only took an hour and most people who attended the show are still there. A pretty good crowd is eyeing my piece admiring it as much as I am.

I’m more or less standing there just staring at the display with my mum next to me. Her hand is squeezing my shoulder, proudly if I could add.

I had worked on the painting of Felix but that’s not the one I entered. I entered a completely different one. It took me four days of nonstop painting and sitting in my room not letting Felix come over. I wanted it to be a surprise and while people didn’t think it would matter since he couldn’t see it, I added layers to texture it so he could feel it.

Felix comes back from the bathroom, his sister escorting him. While Felix and his parents don’t have a relationship he and Rachel are extremely close. She interrogated me the first time we met, making sure I wouldn’t hurt Felix and I promised that I wouldn’t. I think she believed me after she saw the painting.

Rachel grabs Felix’s hand, navigating it to my own. He squeezes it smiling over at me. He’s not wearing his sunglasses either. When he had come here to listen he didn’t put them on. They were breathtaking. The most beautiful brown I’ve ever seen. They’re glazed over in a thin gray cloud, not recognition in his pupils but they’re still worth more than having my painting hanging up.

“Do you want to feel it?”

“Yeah, please?”

I led him forward, politely asking people aside. I lift his hand up to the small canvas. It was only the size of a two open hands put together but there’s more meaning in it than anything else.  
I grabbed his wrist having him brush his fingertips over the bumpy ridges. His lips curve up into a smile, “what is it?”

“It’s a blind butterfly.”

He looks speechless for a moment finally repeating, “A blind butterfly.”

“Yeah all butterflies are legally blind.” I shrug my shoulders watching him continuously run over the brush strokes one hand still gripping the cane.

“Why a butterfly though?” He asks.

“Butterflies represent change, transformation. They also represent inspiration. You’re my butterfly Felix.” I smile at how his pallid cheeks flush again.

He does the one thing he usually does in a situation where I leave him speechless. He tilts his head, laying his cheek on my shoulder. I don’t care how we look to everyone else. I never cared about anything but I care for him. He‘s my butterfly, my muse, and he’s my visionary.

“Is it beautiful?” Felix asks having no other good question.

I look down at him into deep brown eyes. “Yeah, he is.”


End file.
